I had just resigned from my job and was home for three weeks. After the house was in order, I decided I wanted to go out and dance. I’m not one who keeps much company, and I couldn’t find anyone to go dancing with me, so I texted my aunt and asked if she thought it would be okay for me to go dancing alone.
My aunt thought it would be fine, and just recommended I be careful. I put on a dress and heels and drove myself to a bar that I had been to several times. On the way to the bar I thought, “I hope someone will dance Salsa with me.”
When I arrived at the bar, one of the bouncers asked if I had ever been there before and I told him that I came often, but usually with a friend. I noticed the man had two unconcealed weapons in holsters; one on each thigh. “Things must get crazy around here,” I thought.
After a while, I paid the DJ $20 to play a few songs I wanted to hear, and another bouncer told me I couldn’t stand in front of the bathroom, which was in front of the DJ booth. I stayed clear of the bathroom area and continued to make my song requests. After my third request, I heard a bouncer say, “Alright! That’s it!” and before I knew it, three of them were grabbing me and carrying me towards the door.
“Why?” I asked but no one would answer me, and they threw me on the sidewalk. The man with the guns on his thighs was outside and I asked him why they did that to me (Later, I learned they must have thought I was an informant, because I was alone, and something illegal must happen by the bathroom). The man aggressively told me he didn’t know but to go home.
As I opened my car door, it was close to the car next to me and as I was frazzled, I accidentally hit the other door. The other car belonged to the man with the guns, and he shouted, “You hit my car!” Feeling violated, I didn’t really care about the scratch on his car and continued to get in mine. The man pulled out one of his guns and I was staring down a black barrel. My initial reaction was to throw up my hands and exclaim, “I have kids!”
I continued to repeat myself, and for a moment, I thought I was going to lose my life. The man began to pull the trigger and after a few seconds I realized whatever he was shooting me with was wet. The man continued to shoot me with both gas guns and my entire body was covered with mace. The moment I realized I wasn’t going to die, I reversed my car and proceeded to drive home as fast as I could, knowing soon I wouldn’t be able to open my eyes.
Somehow, I made it home and felt my way through the door. I felt my way upstairs and made it to my bathroom where I ripped off my dress and jumped in the shower with my heels. The burn set in and I was furious with my higher power. I began to shout, “It hurts! Take it away!”
As I began to tremble hysterically, I sat in the shower and continued to scream. “Why do you hate me? I am your biggest advocate and you hate me!” I made it to my bed and hysterically cried myself to sleep. The moment I opened my eyes the next morning, I was still hysterical. I sat by the pool in my complex for most of the day and cried as I put water on my skin to cool it. I couldn’t tell anyone what happened because I didn’t want to hear that I shouldn’t have gone alone. I had just defeated depression after losing my marriage, home, job, and best friends, and I was not going to go through it again.
A few days after, I turned on the radio to drown out my thoughts, and the higher power I screamed to nights before, started to show me how much I was truly loved. The words in the songs connected with my thoughts, and as I cleaned my home, I moved my furniture and gave myself a dance floor. I lost all inhibitions and became childlike again.
I realized I needed to have fun! I jumped on my bed and climbed trees. I rode a bike for the first time in years and as I rode, I noticed how miserable adults looked driving their cars. People thought I was crazy! The spiritual connection was so strong that I had to ask it to stop for a while because it was too overwhelming. I started to see myself in the higher power and realize that I was my own God and that I never hated myself. I loved myself through all of this hurt and pain. I placed my heels on my counter to remind me that I also went through that experience by myself.
Some people may never understand the concept of self-love, but I advocate for the people who are like me; independent. I encourage you to see the God in yourself and know that you are all you will ever need. I don’t feel that the universe has less of a divine plan for me, but I do know that I do not need the support of others to love myself. I have loved myself all along. I am my own hero.
Life is not always happy, but that’s the beauty of it; manifesting these challenging experiences and finding yourself once more.
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Also, if self love is something you are interested in exploring more deeply, we highly recommend reading Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It by Kamal Ravikant.
This is a guest post from Yvette Edwards. You can follow her brand, Self Love Ambassadors, on Twitter @clubselflove and on Instagram @loveusbyus
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